yet another crush

and so with another scientific conference to msia, i end up with yet another crush. this time, on a more suitable candidate?

who is he? got to know him through a mutual friend but never really thought much of him becuase he is good looking. yes, he is a looker and i thought he was one of those who knew he was, and pretty much a player. but we went out for lunches a couple of times with friends, and well, i guess he isn't really want i thought he was. of course, he pissed me off, mainly about the first relationship i had. but that is another story.

on to msia. we hung around pretty much because we had no one to hang around with after we had presented our findings. it was a really good time, with pool games, beer at the bar, sing alongs car rides and the local delights.

guess the reason why i have a crush on him is coz he is really funny, get along with my friends, not shy, takes care of pple, and really does not take liberties with girls, and beat that, he is goes to the same church as me. plus he has small eyes, i like.

and well, i am attached. so what hte hell right?

is it possible? to not have crushes after u are in relationship? what changes if u get married.

hi, bf no. 3. i had hoped that you will be the last i had coz i am hitting 30 and i guess its time to get married.

but hte more i see you, the more i fear. i see someone who will stop communicating wiht me, someone whom i don't want to communicate with, someone who doesn't talk or doesn't want to talk, someone whom i can't bring out into public becuase you are embrassing, and have no social ettique.

in fact, i am starting to find you so annoying, and i am starting to dislike you.

dislike your whiney voice, dislike the way you run around trying to bully my dog, dislke the way you only talk about my dog, dislike the way we have ntohign to talk about but my dog. dislike the way you don't like doing anything but play mj. the way when i try arranging for mj wiht you and my firends you still complain and not talk to them.

maybe the only thing different between you and my dad, is that you provide more for me.

ohter than that, you can sit side by side and i won't see a difference.

i have nothing to say to you anyway.

i hate myself.

bowing to fate

 maybe that should be my resolution for the new year. why try to hard when its not going to be? its very very tiring. all my life i feel like i have been fighting - fighting to be in a better class, fighting to get into university, fighting to get a job, fightnig to get more money, fighting with myself, fighting with my other halves, fighting with my other halves to be something, to be someone. fighting.

maybe i am done wiht it. whoever you are up there, you win. i surrender.

today i met with the ex. yes, the ex who was a good man. it hurts to know that once he thought i was the one, and he could discard it away so quickly. it hurts when i see the good in him, when i think about everything we once had, and how i threw it away. or maybe he threw it away. when all is said and done, who is left? only the broken memories that cuts so deep. that will leave me with scars. and usually the one who choses to walk away first does not have to pick up the pieces. in the end, its always me.

goodbye my armour. i have decided to stop this battle. why not just accept everything and let destiny. if life sucks so be it. who said that i can make it better. why not jsut resign to how things are going to be. if this is the best that is, then let it be. if other people have it better, so be it. trying does not result in anything. at least all it left me is bitterness and misery.

goodbye.

he's just not that into you

well, i did have a crush on you for the longest time. since the time we were introduced to each other, to the first time you called me.. till the time i was always the one who left the last sms...

and then there was the time when we all went to watch the play together, and the weekly meet ups, and the play...

on and off, even when i was with someone else.. inevitably, whenever i feel incompatible with the one i treasure, you just pop up in my mind and i allow myself to wonder...

what if? what if you were just incredibly shy? or incredibly busy? that's why you did not return my msg.. that's why you were slow to respond? what if? what if i thought too much into your unspoken silence?

then i realised. or maybe i had always knew and that was why i never really did say i liked you, or acted too explicitly that i did... because you were just not that into me..

but all the same it was strange. how we hung out on an irregular infrequent basis. why we had random conversations on sms and msn and emails when we worked late at night. and why i never mentioned my bf and why you never mentioned your dates or the girl you liked.

and suddenly, we went out for the last meeting ever becuase you were flying to hong kong to work.. and it was then that we talked about my bf.. but still you never let on about your love life.. whether you were dating anyone, not even when i said i should introduce my frens to you.

and suddenly, now that you are in hk, you drop me a sms out of the blue. to chat. to say hi. and you said you had left your gf in singapore.

funny how we both omitted to mention our other halves thorughout the two years coming three that we knew each other.

i wonder how long you've been with her and who she is. and what she is like.

and perhaps, was there even a possiblity of what would happen if...

aspire IV

Identify what is working and what is not working in your life.

- working: earning money, saving money - investing money and being not afraid to invest money
- not working: career (notsure if its working), relationships especially with parents, bf? need to push it along somewhere.

Identify your gift?

- self help, thinking critically and independently, logical thoughts

identify your core believes about money and abundance

- money is important for security, that every cent earned and invest can go towards a better future
- stil a bit stuck in thinking that money is hard to come by

identify your core believes about health,well being, medical profession and pharmacetuicals?

- health is important
- medical profession do not always help people
- too much drugs is not good for the body

identify core believes about relationship, marriage, parents , children and family

- relationship. trying to hcange to believe that relationships can be loving and very self fuilfilling
-marriage. trying to change to believe that marriage is important and is the start of something beautiful. that people can be happy in marriages
- parents. think my parents have failed and trying to change to believe that i won't have to fllow thier footsteps
- children - love them as kids, not sure when they grow up. tyring to hcange to believe that with a good marriage and good parental guidance, kids can be wonderful
family- same

identify core beliefs on spirituality, religion., metaphysics, dogma and doctrine

- importnat to believe in a loving God
- religion shoulod not just be set of rules and regulations, must question and understand
- maybe possible for metaphysics

idnetify core beliefs regarding what you desire and deserve to have in life

- trying to believe that i desrve and should get nothing less than a happy life wiht good relationships and family

identify core beliefs on learning, education, open-mindedness and alternative ideas
- importatn to learn. education is merely formal but necessary in today's society
- education is not eqivalent to brillance or ingeniuity
- may not be open to ideas which appear morally wrong

identify core beliefs regarding your profession, career alternatives, what brings you joy and satisfaction, and what provides you abundance

- relationshps

as you move forward in life, what are you basic assumptions regarding your future and waht is possible for you? are you optimistic, pessimistic, well prepared, worried? are you obediently stumbling forward marching to someone else' drum?

- trying to change. trying not to be pessimistic and overly reflectigve.